"And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddlesome kids!"

I read the news today, oh boy. And the news said: I'm Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and shit is going down.

So, the short version is that Governor Spitzer's staff basically took a shit all over the constitution and nobody even knew about it until Yours Truly, Detective-From-The-Future was smelling the constitution, and was all like, Hold up. This constitution smells like Spitzer shit. And everyone was all like, don't go there, but I fucking WENT there. That's right. I FILED A REPORT.

BAM. Bitch went down.
BAM. Cuomo, super-bitch.

Here's the long version: Spitzer and the Spitzettes misused State Police to gather information on Senate majority leader Joe Bruno in order to plant a negative story about him. That's right: THEY STOLE INFORMATION.

Then when I caught Spitzer (aka the guy who you used to have my job but couldn't take it so he became Governor) with his (metaphorical) dick in the (literal) cookie jar, he was all like, "What? I didn't know about any of this! Who are all of you? Where am I? Good night!" Then he pretended to be asleep for five minutes. Then when he realized I wasn't leaving, he said, "Fine! I said I'm sorry! I'll fire someone!" and threw a dart at a list of his staff and canned Darren Dopp, which sounds like the name of a character from a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

So, what happens now? Well, technically, Spitzer's camp hasn't done anything illegal-- just highly highly douchey. So for now, I'm just going to sit tight and just basically be awesome, but the second Spitzy so much as even blinks funny, I will be all over him like AIDS on Africa.

Get Your Exx On

Stop me if you've heard this one: I'm Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and shit is going down.

Today was all about me totally cock-blocking ExxonMobil during its horny attempt to metaphorically date-rape Greenpoint, Brooklyn. But THIS cockblock took place thirty years AFTER the date-rape. THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

Basically, Exxon was all like, where should I dump this shit? Oh, how about this shitty creek between Brooklyn and Queens, no one will notice. And everything was fine until all these Polish people started pushing up perogies, and Exxon was all like, oops, and I was like OOPS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

So I totally slammed them with a lawsuit from behind while they were distracted, sending baby seals to fight in Iraq to feed their dirty oil addiction. Basically, my mathematicians-- and by "my mathematicians" I mean "MY OWN KICK ASS BRAIN"-- figured out that in the last thirty years, the spill has caused over 58 billion dollars in damages. Meanwhile, Exxon reported a record 39.5 billion dollar net income for 2006. That means it's time to get busy paying or get busy sucking. That's right, by the time I'm done with them they'll be on their knees, on the banks of the Newtown Creek, physically sucking all the oil out of the water, one lying bastard's mouthful at a time.

Then I'll personally stick my foot so far up each one of their asses that I'll be able to carve my initials with my little toenail on the backs of their uvulas.

Cuomo OUT!

My Civil Rights Bureau Is All Kinds of Blowing Up

Hello, New York.

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I'm Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and shit is going down.

Back in February I totally expanded the fuck out of my Civil Rights Bureau. All you Cuom-plainers were like, shit, Andrew Cuomo, your Civil Rights Bureau can not get any Civil Rightsier, and then I was all like, BAM. EXPANDEDEDEDED.

What does this mean for you? Excellent question, who asked that? Oh, I did? I'M AWESOME.

Basically what this shit boils down to is the following:

-sexual harassment in the workplace? K.O.'D.

-employment discrimination laws? ENFORC'D.

- phony immigration service providers? COORDINATED MULTI-BUREAU RESPONSE'D.

ALSO, I'm totally setting up a new party line if you want to report cases of discrimination or if you just want to chill with the Cuomster. This line is open 24-hours, so CALL MY ASS UP: (800) 771-7755.

So, in conclusion, Andrew Cuomo = MORE BOMB THAN VIETNAM. Andrew Cuomo's Expanded Civil Rights Bureau = THE BIGGEST, FATTEST, TIGHTEST CIVIL RIGHTS BUREAU EVER (seriously, wikipedia that shit).