"And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddlesome kids!"

I read the news today, oh boy. And the news said: I'm Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and shit is going down.

So, the short version is that Governor Spitzer's staff basically took a shit all over the constitution and nobody even knew about it until Yours Truly, Detective-From-The-Future was smelling the constitution, and was all like, Hold up. This constitution smells like Spitzer shit. And everyone was all like, don't go there, but I fucking WENT there. That's right. I FILED A REPORT.

BAM. Bitch went down.
BAM. Cuomo, super-bitch.

Here's the long version: Spitzer and the Spitzettes misused State Police to gather information on Senate majority leader Joe Bruno in order to plant a negative story about him. That's right: THEY STOLE INFORMATION.

Then when I caught Spitzer (aka the guy who you used to have my job but couldn't take it so he became Governor) with his (metaphorical) dick in the (literal) cookie jar, he was all like, "What? I didn't know about any of this! Who are all of you? Where am I? Good night!" Then he pretended to be asleep for five minutes. Then when he realized I wasn't leaving, he said, "Fine! I said I'm sorry! I'll fire someone!" and threw a dart at a list of his staff and canned Darren Dopp, which sounds like the name of a character from a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

So, what happens now? Well, technically, Spitzer's camp hasn't done anything illegal-- just highly highly douchey. So for now, I'm just going to sit tight and just basically be awesome, but the second Spitzy so much as even blinks funny, I will be all over him like AIDS on Africa.