Get Your Exx On

Stop me if you've heard this one: I'm Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and shit is going down.

Today was all about me totally cock-blocking ExxonMobil during its horny attempt to metaphorically date-rape Greenpoint, Brooklyn. But THIS cockblock took place thirty years AFTER the date-rape. THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

Basically, Exxon was all like, where should I dump this shit? Oh, how about this shitty creek between Brooklyn and Queens, no one will notice. And everything was fine until all these Polish people started pushing up perogies, and Exxon was all like, oops, and I was like OOPS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

So I totally slammed them with a lawsuit from behind while they were distracted, sending baby seals to fight in Iraq to feed their dirty oil addiction. Basically, my mathematicians-- and by "my mathematicians" I mean "MY OWN KICK ASS BRAIN"-- figured out that in the last thirty years, the spill has caused over 58 billion dollars in damages. Meanwhile, Exxon reported a record 39.5 billion dollar net income for 2006. That means it's time to get busy paying or get busy sucking. That's right, by the time I'm done with them they'll be on their knees, on the banks of the Newtown Creek, physically sucking all the oil out of the water, one lying bastard's mouthful at a time.

Then I'll personally stick my foot so far up each one of their asses that I'll be able to carve my initials with my little toenail on the backs of their uvulas.

Cuomo OUT!